lessons in letting go

choosing loss

"You see, there are two kinds of losses in life. The first is shared by all mankind—the losses that come to us. Call them what you will—accidents, fate, acts of God. The point is that we have no control over them. We do not determine when, where, what, or even how. There is no predicting these losses; they happen to us. We choose only how we respond. The second kind is known only to the pilgrim. They are losses that we choose. A chosen loss is different from repentance, when we give up something that was never ours to have. With a chosen loss, we place on the altar something very dear to us, something innocent, whose only danger is in its goodness, that we might come to love it too much. It is the act of consecration, where little by little or all at once, we give over our lives to the only One who can truly keep them.

Spiritual surrender is not resignation. It is not choosing to care no longer. Nor is it Eastern mysticism, an attempt to get beyond the suffering of this life by going completely numb. As my dear friend Jan describes, “It is surrender with desire, or in desire.” Desire is still present, felt, welcomed even. But the will to secure is made subject to the divine will in an act of abandoned trust. Think of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane.” (journey of desire, eldridge)

more than ever i feel like i’m walking through a journey of surrender. loss doesn’t feel hard hitting as it oft can - my heart strings are not crying out in strain and pangs rarely come flooding uncontrollably to my throat. but my soul is fragile. my eyes are being opened to how small and weak i am. my failures bubble to the surface and i’m confronted with the losses that feel both inevitable due to my humanness, and losses that feel chosen. but they’re not the chosen kind i want - if i were to choose loss, it would not look like this. 

|| spiritual surrender is not resignation. it is not choosing to care no longer || 

jesus, ignite my heart to care. nurture these desires to not stay where i am. as you told the disciples ‘rise, let us go from here,’ i need to walk in those words. to step into the posture that allows my heart to beat fast for life and all it could be. consecrate my desires and teach me to trust where i’ve held too tight.

i’m ready to go from here. as a friend said in my sharing a painful recognition of squandered time and life - it does suck to realize that, but the true crime would be to now see it clearly and not do anything about it.

here’s to choosing my losses wisely.


"Happiness, not in another place but in this place… not for another hour, but this hour" - Walt Whitman


"Happiness, not in another place but in this place… not for another hour, but this hour" - Walt Whitman

(via modernhepburn)

obsessed with her dark and brooding cover

kind of still have a thing for bear/face mixes. <3